We’re Proudly SA – for many reasons , but currently thanks to the SA women’s Cricket team! They say women should rule the world. I think we already do. New Malawi President Joyce Banda recently reduced her salary, fired some incompetent, probably overfed, over paid cabinet ministers who experienced first hand the effects of “Desk Derriere” and she sold the presidential jet. Wow. Taking notes Zuma ? Probably not.

Anyway back to the ladies cricket. The women’s team did themselves and the country proud by playing well, and fighting hard to beat Pakistan in their final match by 5 wickets to qualify for the ICC Women’s World Twenty20 2014. We hope to follow the progress of this team back in SA!

The less said about the Proteas, the better – they are on their way home. Good Bye. Oh and thanks for losing against India but still destroying their chance of getting into the semis. Bastards.

An outcome that the Sri Lankans are happy about. They are indifferent about SA’s loss despite their cheers and the crowds chanting AB’s name when De Villiers smacked the odd boundary or two. Not because they love the Proteas, but because they wanted them to deny India the required Run Rate which would see them progress to the semis and face the home team. There is clearly no love lost between these neighbours. Sri Lankans would rather be beaten by some lost Amazonian tribe’s chics team than be beaten by the Indians. It’s a shame really that they feel their chances of victory are better facing Pakistan than India.

If your team’s not good enough to beat the best then they shouldn’t be in the semis. Or the finals. This thing of being disadvantaged by being in the “group of death”, or coming up against a weaker team on your path to cup victory should never be an issue. It’s a mental weakness that will hold you back when you finally face the big guns on the big day and get your ass whipped. Except, it will be in front of a bigger crowd. Smells of M.S.I (Mass Supporters Insecurity). Don’t be frightened Sri Lanka – you guys have the skill and ability to beat any team. Lets hope your fans believe this to be true at some stage.

Not that I don’t think Sri Lanka deserve to be in the semis. In fact I’d love to see them in the finals against the W.Indies. (who by the way only won 2 of their 7 matches in all the stages leading up to the knock out round. On the other hand India won 5. This being the case, it’s easy to understand why India would feel hard done by, but it’s the way the crazy game works.)

Anyway, the pasty poms are on their way home, hardly having had enough time to work on their tans. Apparently the team stopped off in the Maldives for 15 minutes en route home, but the UK government had issued a safety warning for severe sunstroke hazards, so they could only take in the view of the tarmac from the luxury of their 1st class seats. Rumour has it that ECB are in talks with KP to make a comeback to face India next month. (but apparently only after yet another grovelling apology about his texting the SA team and calling Strauss a doos. Good luck to his PR team. It should read something like this:

“To all the cricketing fraternity of England (as the rest of us don’t give a shit and may find it humurous, and heaven forbid may even agree that Strauss is, or may possibly be, a doos), the players in the England side (even you Broady), the fans, the Queen and her Corgis,

I hereby humbly beg forgiveness, in true mortification that I had a momentary lapse of reasoning and sanity whereby I sent a text message to the SA team. In this modern age of social media and networking I lost sight of the meaning of team loyalty and allegiance to Queen and country. Despite the fact that I still like to braai, drink Klippies and coke and I hate the kak weather, I consider myself an Englishman first and foremost.

I’ve disappointed myself and my country and I swear to never partake in such lewd activity again. If need be I’ll impose a self ban on my social media tendencies. I take an oath to never voice my opinion again, whether it may be based on fact or truth or simply just my opinionated point of view. It is unforgivable that I thought I could ever get away with calling my supreme leader and captain a mere cardboard box (aka doos in south african speak).

He really has so many more characteristics and charms that would inspire a more meaningful character description. But fear not, I’ll not go into those in private or public. I know I must be the only one that has these foul thoughts. I repent.

As for the IPL, I swear to be cautious about my involvement and dalliance in this less than pure format of the holy game. Please understand that it is an evil that permeates many cultures and deviously seems to have the false notion of improving some players style, while attracting new fans to this game. I myself, do not comprehend how this is possible. Over time many of us would have eventually evolved to play more entertaining shots. And surely 5 days of a tournament which ends in a draw is so much more appealing than the gut wrenching tension of a “super over”. Not to mention the fact that 5 days is only just enough time to sip on one’s G+T while discussing investment banking strategies with your pimp. None of this male on male bonding would occur at the T20. Too many women, dancing and inappropriate consumption of cheap beer by the masses. Utterly Awful.

However, Yet again I was lead astray but the glitz and glamour of this widely followed, exciting, well paid, action packed format. It may have been brought on by the IPL White Mischief dancing girls in their skimpy inappropriate outfits and the Kingfisher beer. Alas, I am only a mere mortal and a man at that, one who needs to provide for my growing family in these challenging financial times. May I also add that I was part of the “Royal Challengers” team. I was falsely led to believe there was a link to our own royals. The “Bangalore” bit was in fine print.

Never again will I put my personal needs ahead of those of my team, my captain, the esteemed members at Lords, my Queen and her corgis. Please sir, may I play again in the whites bearing the proud symbol of the brave Lions, as we are? I’ll even sip a Pimms in my suit and never utter a profanity again.

Signed yours truly and faithfully beyond belief,

KP

For the non saffers please read translation here:
Braai – barbeque. Although Saffers prefer to use wood and if its gas – it’s not a braai. And don’t think of throwing a pork banger on the grid!
Klippies and coke: A traditional hugely popular cocktail of quality locally produced brandy mixed with a dash of coke, the cola variety. Also known as “Ma moer vir Pa Wyn”, But thats another story.
Doos – a cardboard box. Really.
Kak – crap. Like the English weather.